Friday, December 10, 2004

Do-It-Yourself Sex Changes Made Easy

One morning about quitting time the dispatcher sent Officers, myself included, to a call of a male who cut himself with scissors "down below". I had a pretty good idea of what she meant when she said "down below". Go figure, this guy has to wait until we're ready to get off work to do this. Can't wait 15 minutes, got to do it now. Git 'r done.

When we get there I got out with my bag, and start in the open garage door. Grandpa is first in line-"He's in the bathroom." Just inside the kitchen door is Grandma-"He's just a man trapped in a woman's body." In the kitchen is Mom-"I knew this was going to happen." They pointed me in the direction of the bathroom. Send David in first, he's the EMT and he has a bag of stuff.

When I got to the bathroom the door was closed. I opened it up and found a young guy laying in the bathtub. He's wearing a diaper, in lots of pain, and bleeding like a stuck pig. I asked him what happened, and got the following story: this guy was in the process of a sex change, and it was taking too long to suit him. He got the bright idea of getting a razor blade and speeding things up. One small cut was apparently all it took to remind him of the benefits of having the family jewells surgically removed, in a hospital, and not at home in the bathtub. Kind of like a reverse home delivery. At least he had enough respect for the family to not do it in the kitchen sink-Hey. We wash dishes in that sink. You don't pee in that sink and you're not going to cut your bag there either.

I asked the guy if I could treat him until the ambulance got there, and he was hesitant about that. Then I told him that, in addition to being a police officer, I was also an EMT. See, here's my little pin, as I showed him the pin I wore. That must have made it official for him, and he let me treat him.

I cut the diaper off, and it weighed about 5 pounds, soaking wet with blood. He's bleeding real good by now, so the big gauze gets applied with direct pressure. I've had my hand between people's legs before, but I have to admit it was a first time dealing with something like that. When the truck got there the medic came in, but the tech was so disgusted at taking over that he let me continue. Then we found out that he had been in there for hours. At the hospital we found out he had lost a fair amount of blood, and was in some serious shape. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe he was the cute gal buying new underwear at Wal-Mart. As for the tech, some guys have no sense of adventure.


Blogger Dave said...

Ouch! Keep em coming I love these stories! I've even added a link to you from by blog.

Thanks for the laughs!


December 11, 2004 at 5:39 PM  
Blogger twentymileblock said...

I tried that once, but didn't go through with it. Though it might hurt a little bit.

December 14, 2004 at 2:25 PM  

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